We were in the last leg of our Founders' Day celebration rehearsals with every move being perfected by our coaches. Mr. Colvin stood at the railing above the ground while Mr. Hatwal was giving us the beats on the drum. One slight wrong or fidget move meant being called out by Mr. Colvin. He was at quite a distance and I was intrigued how he could observe something as little as a twitch from that far away. Curiosity did get the better of me and I tucked a little stray strand of hair behind the ear, very intentionally, but ever so discreetly. Within fraction of a second, I was called out!
A couple of decades down to last evening. Prabir, my 5 year old, is down with seasonal cold and cough and I measured and kept the syrups in the caps front of him, asking him to drink them up while I went to put away the medicines. On turning, I see him pouring water from his cup in the caps, as the mix of the syrups and water flowed generously all over the table. I. Was. Furious! In moments like these, I have to remind myself all the tenets of gentle parenting. For scream I will, though I know it isn't what I am supposed to do.
Meanwhile, Prabir knew he'd triggered the monster in his mother and looked up sheepishly. But then, I saw something more than just guilt in those eyes. That look in those eyes belonged to the younger me, the one I would have had in those moments when I defied rules and instructions just to know the "what if"! I saw the same streak in my son, that curiosity to know "what if"! I quietly threw away the water and repoured the medicines in the cap, wiped the table and asked Prabir to drink it up, in as calm a tone as I could manage.
This isn't a one-off incident. As he is growing and realizing that he has a mind of his own, he's even more curious, intrigued, impatient, angrier et all. And I'm fumbling. Because I know now what exactly I am dealing with here and it's not going to be easy. With both of my parents gone to the better world a long time ago, I have no references to look up or speak to.
However, there's one thing here I know and am sure of. I know exactly how he feels and what must be going on in his mind when he behaves this way. Because I know how the younger me felt and what went on in my mind then. I was reprimanded, scolded, and even caned more than a few times when I tried to know the "what ifs" then. And then I hid stuff. I hid incidents. I hid myself. Because I was scared. Scared of being told off. Scared of being scolded. Scared of being punished.
So, I know exactly what I SHOULD NOT do.
Yes, there will be times when the human in me will get a better off of the patient mother I try to be. There will be times when I will question my gentle parenting approach. There will be moments (and there are plenty!) when I would want to bang my head on the nearest wall.
But after such difficult moments pass, I know that I won't have regrets. I'd know that I have done the best I could. And I'd be a much more thankful to my little one, who shows me the mirror every single day.
After all, I am just another human. And a mother.
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